FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS (FAQ)

“Sanity is Backordered …

… Sarcasm in Unlimited Supply

HURRY, Place Your Order Now” — Rock

Folks, we’re clowning around, having fun, doing our thing. Is it Passive-Aggressive? … Most likely to the cats that don’t get it. Is it sarcasm? Are we willing to “take what we give?” Absolutely. Feels good, ALIVE, funny and fun. Sorry, we’re going to give you some “Jazz.” We don’t mean to offend …. and apologies …….if you are, well ….. it just didn’t work out. No one has to get upset about it, so many other places to stay

OUR SARCASM ……. ALL PART OF THE CHARM, Here At Beyond The Wall


PLEASE READ THESE BEFORE CONTACTING US

PERHAPS YOUR ANSWER IS HERE ? (We’re Betting)

If you DO ask (call or email) and the answer is here, we make fun of you before you arrive.  We then pretend we like you, acting all nice …… wanting to bring you things, smiling.  Finally, we then start making fun of you again after you leave. Do you really want to deal with all that?  Friends, family finding out?  Viral on Social Media and YouTube?  You become the punchline to one of Rock’s stories he tells as he’s checking folks in or leading a tour?  Want your 15 minutes of fame?  Go for it, LOL

THESE ARE THE ONES THAT KILL US 🙁

  1. BREAKFAST – Do You Serve Breakfast?   (What Do You Even Say To This Stuff?  Are You Going To Come Here And Hurt Yourself?  Seriously?  Anyway, Breakfast is From 0900 to 1030, Served In Our Main Building) … See HERE
  2. BEACH – Are You On The Beach?   (Are You On A Device That Blocks Google Maps?  Can You Hold While I Google That For You?) See … HERE
  3. COTTAGES – Are Your Cottages 1 Or 2 Rooms?  (WHOA ….I Made A Completely Dedicated Section w/Pictures … HERE …For This Favorite Of Mine )
  4. KIDS – Do You Allow Kids?  (Under The Age of 13, NO.  After That It Can Get Complicated, So Read Up)  See … HERE
  5. PETS – Do You Allow Pets?  (DOGS ONLY, But With Reasonable Deposits, Fees And Stipulations)  See … HERE
  6. BATHROOMS – Do We Have To Share Bathrooms?  (Oh, The Damn Horror … Americans, LOL.  Americans Would Rather Lose A Limb In A Violent, Over A Cliff, Rolled, Caught On Fire Auto Accident Than The HORROR Of Sharing A Bathroom.  NO WORRIES, Because This Is Extremely Common Knowledge And Only Second To Americans Fear And Reaction To Female Nipples … So The Answer Is …… We Have VERY Intentionally Supplied A Beautiful, Clean And Private Bathroom To Each And Every Room At Beyond The Wall That Is NOT Shared.  How Exciting Is That? Makes You Want To Book An Extra Night, Right?)  NOTE:  This Is Not The Number One Asked Question, BUT It Is The Number One “Concern” … Us Being A B&B And Many B&Bs Roll With That Whole Shared Bathroom Thing.  Folks Will Literally Have A Peanut Allergy, Where A Peanut Even In The Building Will Kill Them And They’ll Ask About The Bathrooms Before They’ll Ask Anything About Peanuts, SMH ???  🙂
  7. GROUND FLOOR  – We Want To Be Sure That Our Room Is On The Ground Floor  (ALL ROOMS / COTTAGES Are on the Ground Floor, Except Our Personal Residence)
  8. PRINTING – We Do Not Print, We Are Not Printers  (Airline Boarding Passes, Baseball Tickets, Restraining Orders, Conditional Surrenders … Sorry, No)
  9. BEST ROOM – What’s Your Best Or Most Comfortable Room?  (Who’s The Greatest Guitarist Of All Time?  MaryAnn Or Ginger?  What’s The Best Cookie? “Stairway To Heaven” or “Sweet Home Alabama?”  Ford or Chevy?)
  10. WHY “BEYOND THE WALL?” – Because “Behind The Wall” Sounds Creepy, LOL.   (Anyway, There Is Zero Relation To “Game Of Thrones” And The Real Concept Really Has To Do With “Beyond” Being Mysterious And “Wall” Conjuring Feelings Of Safety, Quiet, Military Friendlies, Oasis and No Worries … “Resorty”) (If That’s A Word?)
  11. CHECK IN TIME / CHECK OUT TIMEEasy, IN No Earlier Than 1500 And “Bye Bye” Before 1100 … See HERE
  12. CHECK IN – Can I Have My Friend Come By And “Just” Pick My Key Up?  Because ….. (I’m Going To Beach, I’m Too Busy, It’s Inconvenient, I Don’t Have Time)  NO
  13. EARLY CHECK IN – Need An EARLY CHECK IN? No You Don’t  (Sorry Folks, We Really Need Time To Turn BTW Back Into The Experience You Read Reviews About) See … HERE
  14. EARLY ARRIVAL – Can You Arrive Before Your Check In Time And Park Here, Go Walk Around Dunedin, And Then Return For Your Check In Appointment?  (YES … And This Is Very Related To The “Early Check In” Stuff Above.  Please Know That If You Do ARRIVE Early And Park You Car, Just A Simple Hello Is Requested.  Earlier Than 1500 Is When We Are All Working Hard To Get BTW Ready.  A 15 Minute Conversation About Your Drive Here, Why You Are Here, Your New Puppy, Your Grandkids ……..Or Favorite Girl Scout Cookie Is Quite Simply Only Slowing Us Down On Getting Yours And Others Rooms Ready.  Please Save The Absolutely Welcomed And Expected “Chit Chat” For Check In And Later … Except The Girl Scout Cookie Stuff, Don’t Care) See … HERE
  15. WALK – Can You Walk To The Beach?  (We’re Not Sure, Can You? ………. Please See Our “Beach, Water, Gulf, Ocean” Page … HERE)
  16. WALK – Is Everything Walkable From Beyond The Wall?  (Again, We’re Not Sure, Is It? ……… Within 4 Football Fields, 1/4 Miles … 10 Minute Walk Are 25 Places To Eat, 30 Shops/Boutiques And 8 Breweries And A Distillery.  So, You Tell Us ………… Is Everything Walkable From Beyond The Wall?)
  17. SMOKING – We (I) Know That This Is A Non-Smoking, Non-Vaping Property, So Where Can We Smoke / Vape?  (Wherever You Want To Smoke / Vape, Just Not Here. Minus Honeymoon Island, There’s Not A Nicer Place To Smoke Than Under One Of The Oldest Trees In Dunedin, RIGHT Next Door In City Park)
  18. CIGARS – Can I Just Sit On The Porch And “Enjoy” My Cigar?  (Apparently, The Term “Enjoy” Is Supposed to Sway Us?  Jedi Mind Trick?  If  You Are “Enjoying” Something It Can’t Be Offensive To Other Guests?) NO
  19. BIKES – Can We Put Our Bikes In Our Room, On A Porch, Or In Your Garage? (Sorry, NO …..We Provide A Bike Rack, With A Dedicated Security Camera Covering It.  Please Consider This Before Bringing Your $10K Bicycle. Perhaps A Large Van, Motion Detecting Sirens, A Security Guard or Laser Beams?) See … HERE
  20. BIKES – Do You Have Bikes?  (No, But We Know Who Does.  There Are 3 Places, All Within 10 Minute Walks Of BTW That Rent Bikes.  One Of Them Gives A 10% Discount To Our Guests If You Show Your Room Key)
  21. GYM, WORKOUT ROOM – Do You Have Gym Equipment Or A Workout Room?  (Yeah, It’s Called The Pinellas Trail …… NO … If We Had It Don’t You Think We Would Be Highlighting The Heck Out Of It? Pictures …Making It A Big Damn Deal?  No Pictures, No Highlighting, No Big Damn Deal About It Anywhere On Any Website Of Ours ….. Not Listed In Our Amenities Either, Strange?)
  22. LOCATION – What Part Of Florida Are You In? (WHAT?  I Have Folks Call, Ask Me 5 Minutes Worth Of Questions About Our Property and Then Ask Me “So What Part of Florida Are You In?”  Seriously  ????) See … HERE
  23. RATES – Do You Have Weekly Or Monthy Rates?  (YES, Just Add Up The Prices For The Days You Want To Stay To Get Your Price.  If  You Want To Stay A Week, Just Take The Prices Of The 7 Days You Want To Stay, Then Add Them All Up For Your Weekly Rate.  For Monthly, Simply Use 30 Instead Of 7 In The Complicated Formula I Presented Earlier)
  24. DOUBLE OCCUPANCY – EASY, It Simply Means That Our Prices Are ALL Based On “Double Occupancy”  (What You Need To Know Is That Is Means It Is The COST For TWO PERSONS To Stay In Any Room.  If You Want Or Bring More Folks Than TWO, And Want Them In A Room With You …It Will Cost MORE.  Why Do We Always Have To Beat This Concept To Death With So Many Folks?)
  25. DISCOUNTS – Do You Offer Discounts For XXXX, blah, blah, blah?  (We Decided After We’ve Gotten Asked By Everyone From AAA To All The Tall, Short Blondes With Dark Hair On This Entire Planet That We’d ONLY Give Discounts To Those Associated With Our Military And First Responders.  As Well, We Do Have Some “Corporate” Situations, But They Are Frequenting Us Much, And Mid-Week)

 

 

 


THESE EVENTS OCCUR TOO OFTEN

  • Folks Not Making An Appointment To Check In  (Michelle and Rock Not On The Property 24/7 … Appointment To Check In Required Or You May Be Waiting)
    • Recently, We’ve Been Charging A $25 (or more) “No Appointment Fee” That Really Calms Us Down While Having To Leave A Restaurant To Come Back To BTW Because Folks Don’t Accomplish A “Check In Appointment” ……Due To, They Simply Don’t Read Their Emails, View Our Site ……. Or They Think BTW Is A Hotel And Not Our Home
  • Folks Not Honoring Their Check In Appointment Time   (WHAT ?!?!?! ……”Oh, We Just Stopped At The Outlets”  No Call, No Nothing, THREE Hours Late)
    • Absolutely Sometimes Valid (Flight Delays, Flat Tires … Other) But Calls Or Emails Are More Than Expected When A Need To Arrive More Than An Hour Late Occurs


GENERAL

  • Beyond The Wall Bed and Breakfast LLC may most likely be referred to as “BTW” on this website, Facebook Page and verbally over the phone or on premise
  • We call our largest building “Main House” although you may hear it called “The B&B” or “The Rooms”
    • SEMI-HOSTED FACILITY
      • Michelle and Rock are residents, residing on site. Beyond The Wall is our home
      • Beyond The Wall Management and Staff are typically on site, on duty between the hours of 0730 to 1900 to tend to your needs

MANNERS / RESPECT / COURTESY
(Please, Michelle and Rock Insist)

CAUTION/WARNING: There’s a difference between treating people badly and treating people accordingly

“Compassion and tact are honorable traits, but are not often found in the bad guys coming through the wire”


  • This is Our HOME.  We are Inviting You Here ….to Our HOME.  Treat Beyond The Wall Exactly Like You Would If Visiting Friends or Family
    • We are NOT some cheap ass chain hotel with nasty carpet, breakfast buffet and mystery meat ….staff of 20 running around cleaning up behind you like your Mother
      • We won’t be, don’t care to be, didn’t create Beyond The Wall to become servants (quite the opposite)
    • We’re not going to pick up after you like we’re your Mothers
      • If you generate trash, throw your trash away
      • If you spill something, clean up the spills
    • Not a secret, we don’t try to hide it …..if you treat us at Beyond The Wall like you’re at some cheap ass chain hotel, you simply won’t be allowed back
      • We’ll literally make reservations for you at the nearest cheap ass chain hotel, waving bye bye, it’s just down the street …..they’ll leave the light on for you
        • No hard feelings, it didn’t work out, we’re not compatible, we just need some space …. it wasn’t you, it was us, call us maybe

  • BTW = MANNERS, RESPECT and COURTESY – Please see our Manners, Respect and Courtesy Policy (HERE)
  • CHILDREN ALLOWED
    • Person under the age of 13 are not allowed at Beyond The Wall
    • Persons under the age of 18 are not allowed to stay in our Main Building
      • Persons between 13 years of age and 18 years of age must stay in one of our cottages
        • With at least one adult staying in the cottage as well)
    • We cannot stress enough, that if you are bringing a minor onto this property, you really should read our entire Children Policy (Linked Below)
    • See our ENTIRE Children Policy (HERE)
  • CRANKY, UNHAPPY PEOPLE – We’d rather just have a Social Media relationship with you, from a distance (Call You Maybe)
  • DOGS ALLOWED (Service Animals Very Welcomed)  MUST Have CRATE With You
    • DOGS ONLY – MUST BE CRATED When They Are Alone In Any BTW Room
    • NO CATS or ANY OTHER ANIMAL …. no matter how small they are, no matter how nice they are, no matter how cute they are …… etc
    • Please see our Dog Policy (HERE)
    • MAP to Dog Relief Area (HERE)
    • Prefer No Ugly Dogs – But if Dog is ugly, you must CRATE it in a manner where its face is facing into the crate
    • No Dogs over 40 pounds (Don’t make us fat shame your dog, words hurt)
    • Deposit $150 per visit, refundable
    • Fee $40 per night, non-refundable
    • Dog Sitters – Apologies, we cannot recommend due to liability
    • Seriously, have a damn CRATE, we don’t provide CRATES
  • SERVICE ANIMALS – ALWAYS very Welcomed, Please see our Service Animals Policy (HERE)
  • SMOKING – Apologies, STRICT NO Smoking, NO Vaping Policy on entire property of Beyond The Wall Bed and Breakfast
    • Please see our Smoking Policy (HERE)
    • MAP to an EXTREMELY close, relaxing and gorgeous Smoking Area (CITY PARK), or you may find others (HERE)
  • US MARINES – Are US Marines really banned from using the pool and are required to use the pond? – Please see our US Marines Policy (HERE)

ADMINISTRATIVE (What We Can and Cannot Do)

    • CHECK IN – Late / Early – Please see our Check-In Check-Out Policy (HERE)
      • EARLY CHECK IN  –  Rare As a Unicorn, A Vegetarian Shark, An Honest Politician ……. See (HERE) and (HERE) For More Info On Early Check Ins
      • Cottages And Additional Beds
        • Due To Many Reservations Coming Through Online Travel Agencies (Expedia, Booking.com, etc) And Not Us Directly, Sometimes The Request For An Additional Bed Does Not Come Through Our System Correctly.  In These Cases, No Worries ….. We Have The Beds, You Will Just Need To Give US 20 Minutes To Set Up The Additional Bed In Your Cottage
    • CHECK OUT – Late / Early – Please see our Check-In Check-Out Policy (HERE)
    • BAG WATCH – Luggage Storage – YES, Please see our Check-In Check-Out Policy (HERE)
    • DAMAGE – Beyond The Wall will absolutely NOT tolerate intentional damage to our property
      • Reasonably, accidental damage will be investigated and fairly resolved. Please see our Damage Policy (HERE)
    • HOUSEKEEPING – Beyond The Wall prides itself on our Housekeeping
    • LAUNDRY – Apologies no onsite laundry available – Please see our Laundry Policy (HERE)
    • RESERVATIONS – Please see our Reservations Policy (HERE) and what it covers, BELOW:
      • We require that the primary guest be 21 years old to make reservations and stay
      • Rates – ALL RATES are “Double Occupancy”  (Double Occupancy = 2 Persons)
      • Payments
      • Discounts
      • Special Events
      • Occupancy = Extra Guests
      • Group Reservations
      • Full Property Rental
      • Extended Stay – Both Short and Long Term
    • CANCELLATIONS – We have a fair cancellation policy in relation to we’re small competing against corporate giants.  Please see our Cancellation Policy (HERE)
  • LOST AND FOUND – Don’t forget your crap here
    • Due to the frequency of folks leaving items and that it takes roughly about an hour per item (from start to finish) to return:
      • We must charge $25 ($25 is in ADDITION to postage)
      • Basically, if you leave your crap here, you’ll need to contact us via our CONTACT FORM (top right, this webpage) (DO NOT CALL)
    • In the CONTACT FORM to us, we need THIS INFORMATION
      • Name
      • Email address you want to be notified at about the return of your crap
      • Best phone number to reach you at (and times as well)
      • A description of your crap
      • Consent to charge you $25 AND POSTAGE AMOUNT for Beyond The Wall’s efforts in returning your stuff
      • DO NOT CALL – If you call me about Lost and Found, I’m going to lie ……. tell you we never found your crap and then I’m going to pawn your crap
  • UNUSUAL REQUESTS – “You Can’t Make This Stuff Up”
    • If you want to do or find something a bit unusual during your stay, don’t be bashful, please ask us!
    • Of course it must be within reason, not too weird and mostly legal. (Guests responsible for all bail monies)
    • We’ll track it down for you, for a modest fee. (If it involves the purchase of goods or services)
    • Go ahead; make our day with your request. We love the challenge!

FEATURES (What We Can and Cannot Give)

  • FOOD and BREAKFAST – Typically 0900 – 1030, BUT with PRIOR requests, we’ll absolutely attempt to accommodate other times.  Please see our Breakfast Policy (HERE)
  • REAL BUTTER – OH, you better believe it
  • BACON / SAUSAGE – We LOVE pork products …… BACON, Sausage … Pork, Pork, Pork.
    • We’re happy to serve you a portion of either bacon or sausage every single, glorious PORK day
  • COFFEE / TEA – Please see our Coffee/Tea Policy (Just kidding, we don’t have a Coffee/Tea Policy)
    • FREE, most of the day. For those times of day when it’s not available, we forgot but it’s FREE then as well
    • Caffeinated and Decaffeinated
    • One Person’s Too Strong Coffee is Another’s Too Weak.  If you need your coffee “adjusted” just ask ….. we’ll try to accommodate but there’s NO need to complain in a review a week later if you didn’t ask while you were here.  Don’t even pull that garbage
  • ALL ROOMS and COTTAGES on Ground Floor
    • Minus our private residence, our entire property on ground floor
  • REFRIGERATORS / FREEZERS in all Rooms and Cottages (EXCEPT – Fridge ONLY in Island and Mardi Gras Rooms)
  • ALL ROOMS AND COTTAGES HAVE THEIR OWN PRIVATE ENTRANCE 
  • ALL ROOMS AND COTTAGES HAVE THEIR OWN PORCH (except Mardi Gras Room, no porch)
  • ALL ROOMS AND COTTAGES HAVE THEIR OWN PRIVATE BATHROOM
  • CONFERENCE ROOM – Proudly, we feature a world-class, outstanding Conference Room. Please read our Conference Policy (HERE)
  • POOL / HOT TUB – OUTDOOR, YEAR-ROUND – Please see our Pool & Hot Tub Policy (HERE)
    • ADMIN NOTE:  NO US Marines in the pool (Pond available at rear of property)
  • NEWSPAPERS – Apologies, at this time you will not find a newspaper outside your door
  • SAFES / SAFETY DEPOSIT BOXES – Apologies, at this time, no safes or safety deposit boxes are available
  • NIGHT LIGHTS / WOOBIES – We do have night lights, but do not supply woobies
  • TOILETRIES – And Personal Care Items, FREE (Shampoo, Conditioner, Soap and Lotion)
    • In emergencies, we can assist in acquiring / locating other personal hygiene needs.
    • Two Convenience Stores within 10-15 minute walk of BTW. See Transportation Policy (HERE)
  • PRIVATE BATHROOMS – For ALL Rooms and Cottages
  • TELEVISIONS – In all rooms and cottages, as well as in common areas (Why are you watching TV?  Go drink some beer !!!)
  • PHONES – We do not provide telephones in the guest rooms or lobby (Doesn’t Everyone Carry One? Really?)
  • WEATHER – Average Annual Dunedin Temperatures and Precipitation, please see our Weather Graphic (HERE)
  • FREE WIFI (Wireless Internet) – Please see our WiFi Policy (HERE)
  • PRINTING – We are not printers, we do not print (Boarding Passes, Baseball Tickets, Restraining Orders, Conditional Surrenders)
    • If you need print jobs, ask and we’ll assist (Several Great Little Print Shops Close By)
    • Prior planning and notice always appreciated

TRANSPORTATION

    • TRANSPORTATION – Please see our Transportation Policy (HERE)
    • PARKING – DO NOT park behind Rock’s Jeep or in his spot. Parking in our Transportation Policy (HERE)
    • BICYCLES – Please see our Transportation Policy (HERE)
      • DO NOT park your damn bikes on any porches …… to include Cottage porches and our Main Building porch
        • Please Do Not ask us to put your bikes in our garage, or in your room. It’s not going to happen.
      • Local Rentals and onsite Rack available.  Local Rentals provide discounts for guests of Beyond The Wall
      • Pinellas Trail only 5-10 minute walk, 1 minute bike, directly West of Beyond The Wall via Skinner Blvd
  • HOW FAR ???
    • Tampa International Airport (TPA)
      • 21 Miles or 45-60 minutes depending on traffic
    • Clearwater/St Pete Airport? (PIE)
      • 13 Miles or 30-60 minutes depending on traffic
    • BEACH: Honeymoon Island – 3.5 Miles
    • BEACH: Clearwater – 7.5 Miles (CW Beach SUCKS)
    • Andrews Wedding Chapel – 1.25 Miles
  • UBER – YES, Please see our Transportation Policy (HERE)
  • LYFT – YES, Please see our Transportation Policy (HERE)
  • PRIVATE DRIVER — Mr Allen Powell at 630-842-9106 or AllanF.Powell@gmail.com ……. or (HERE)
  • JOLLEY TROLLEY – YES, Please see our Transportation Policy (HERE)
    • The Jolley Trolley stops in front of Beyond The Wall
    • You can take bicycles on the Jolley Trolley
    • Only actual Service Animals are allowed on the Jolley Trolley
  • GAS AND CONVENIENCE STORES  (Both 10-15 Minute Walk)  Transportation Policy (HERE)

FOOD and ALCOHOL